SOULFUL SOBRIETY
I gave up drinking last year.
It’s beginning to feel ‘normal,’ and I less self conscious. It had got to a point where I desperately wanted it to change because I didn’t like myself when I drank.
My alcohol consumption and habitual patterns of drinking had become unhealthy. I have addictive tendencies which, I believe developed to avoid dealing with unprocessed trauma and feelings of unworthiness. When going through these periods I get bored of myself and feel off centre. I won’t say this is for ever but for now it feels right. I am happy with my choice.
When I am operating at my best doing things that are soul aligned these compulsive tendencies disappear. So I know from experience it’s all possible. Maintaining this has had its share of bumps and obstacles and I have been erratic.
Although not drinking every day, the same pattern would usually ensue when drinking at home. I’d have a glass of wine and want more. I’d be obsessed about how much I had had the next day, justifying it to myself if I had left the tiniest slurp in a bottle. My tipple was a Sauvignon or rose. I’d feel down the day after, cover up my shame and berate myself.
If out, one thing could lead to another and if an opportunity of a party presented itself I would often be one of the last up wanting more and feeling anxious about it getting light at the same time.
Inevitably the deep stuff I wasn’t facing in these periods popped back up to bite me hard on the arse and just over 3 years ago I hit one of the lowest periods of my life catalysed by the loss of my best friend.
Stuck in loops of rumination, it was truly horrible. My self esteem was really low. My sympathetic nervous system was on high alert and most people felt unsafe. I felt so deeply ashamed of these feelings, like I was somehow disloyal by feeling wary of others. I thought I was a bad person and felt incredibly isolated.
I took myself to the doctors. That step gave me hope. I started to reach out for support, something that was totally alien to me as it was never modelled and down a rather jerky path I find myself here now.
I want to do work that truly inspires me and makes a difference. It’s not always easy putting myself out there but I’m having moments to remind me I am in the right place, the universe has my back and that the jerky pathway is flipping cool.
I found myself pulling off the A37 in glorious sunshine on Monday lunchtime driving towards Stanton Drew stone circle with a prawn salad in hand from the garage, classy! I was on my way home from a beautiful Somerset hotel where I had had a meeting with two absolutely lovely women.
We are collaborating to set up some ‘Out of your Head,’ Silent disco yoga sessions. I sat on one of these majestic rocks in the sun, (I thanked it first ) breathed and took the moment in.
I wouldn’t have able to take action in this way if I continued to drink away my weekends. Ideas would have been a pipe dream in my head. Perfect the Silent Disco Yoga sessions now have their new name….
If you feel a tug of excitement, want change in any area of your life and want support in doing so, click HERE to answer a few questions to get you thinking and to book an informal chat with me. As the wonderful, inspirational choreographer Pina Bausch would say, ‘What does your heart yearn for?’
